The Nine Floors Of Whores Chronicles

If you've attended or plan on attending college at the University of Arizona, you should be aware of the story of a building....a very frightening building which very name strikes fear into the hearts of clean men and women everywhere...and that building is:

CORONADO RESIDENCE HALL!!!!!

To sum up what Coronado is, our crack team of scientists here at The Truth have come up with a simple equation that best represents what to expect at this "dorm"

Coronado Hall (Picture Unavailible) + =

Syphillis, bingo!

The Truth will now share a time when the Syphillis was first met and discovered.

Just one week after my arrival at UA, I was already invited to a party on my birthday to celebrate. I was so excited since it was going to be my very first college party. I wasn't going to drink, since I was only 19 and I heard the stories about how hard cops around the campus were on underage drinking, but boy was I ready to party! I dressed up in my baggy jeans, a white t-shirt with my tan button shirt over it, and a bucket hat my roomate provided and off we went on our magical journey across campus!

I asked my friend, Shelton, where we were going to celebrate my birthday and he told me we were going to the Coronado Halls to party with two really hot chicks who were throwing a bash and going to sing happy birthday to me. Wow, two hot babes were going to take time out of their drinking and fucking to sing to lil' ol' me! We walked along 4th street past the math and astronomy buildings and finally came upon the majestic nine story dorm hall known as Coronado!

Immediately, I was overwhelmed at the mass crowd out front. They stood around as if preparing to take back UA from some unknown enemy, I had no idea. My ears caught wind of fasicinating tales ranging from how John's cock tasted like cat shit to how loose Monica's asshole was after only two nights of ramming it with vasaline. Truly wonderous these fables were and oh, how excited I was to have the two sirens sing happy birthday to me!

And before you knew it, after wading through the crowds of intoxicated youngsters did we make it upon the dorm room of the two chicks, Jennifer and Stephanie. Jennifer was a regular drinker who loved to dress in Gucci attire since her daddy gave her whatever she wanted, where as Stephanie had to work for her Chanel perfumes and Victoria's Secret underwear, for she was a stripper down at the Empress just trying to earn "cash for college." Jennifer was very wobbly as she shook my hand and brought me close for a birthday kiss, but I immediately hesitated as I noticed a sore on her cheek. I asked her if someone had hurt her and she said her blasted ex gave her syphillis.

My eyes widened, my throat swallowed a huge lump, and a wave of terror struck my body. Shelton had asked me what was wrong and instantly I screamed...

"THE SYPHILLIS HAS EVOLVED INTO A PSEUDO-HUMAN FORM!!!!!!"

I ran screaming from the building, more syphillis humans staring at me as I worked my way down the stairs and out into the courtyard, where I announced:

"THE SYPHILLIS OF CORONADO IS MADE OF PEOPLE...PEOPLEEEEEEE!!!!"

I ran as fast as I could back to my dorms, like Paul Revere riding the countryside to warn the colonists of the Brittish coming. Having made it out alive, I gave a sigh of relief and swore to write about my findings and studies in the future.

Coronado was later dubbed by me as "Nine floors of whores." Its name originates from the fact that

a. The building has nine floors
b. The building is a site of whore gathering

I decided to study how these Pseudo-Human syphillis had been given access to staying in this dorm in the first place. Spying on a student interview revealed this:

Dorm Hall Assigner: Wow, it says here you are an engineering major and a dance minor, how nice!
Syphillis: Hehe, yup! I've always wanted to know how they engineered lipstick and they finally have classes where I can get good grades for shaking my ass!
Dorm Hall Assigner: Yup, you're set for life until you're 26 and loose as a goose. Let's see...OH! You checked off whore, you're going to Coronado!
Syphillis: Oooo, Coronado! Sounds French!

It is a simple process on the housing form. Check off whore and you're in there no matter what your major/GPA/Breast Size is.

There was a night where I was with a group of friends who wanted to go to Park student union right near Coronado for some dinner. Instantly, I froze, for fear of coming across the Syphillis again. However, my little band of street urchins, the Park Street Irregulars, informed me that on Saturday nights, there was no fear, for the syphillis was out and about, speading its word and lips to others.

The greatest discovery of all, however, came from Doctor Pancakes himself. While doing deep field test studies and computer simulation, he came to the conclusion that in the event that an Atomic Bomb were ever dropped in Tucson, the Syphillis would protect its host in a disease encrusted shell around the body, similarly looking like a girl trapped in a slime mold getting raped by two slime penises on the insides. My God, I thought, there is just no stopping the Syphillis from spreading over my Alma Mater!

So, in conclusion, Arizona class of 2010, let me say that if you wish to avoid this humiliation and health risk, please apply to any other dorm on campus (except Hopi. Hopi was full of nerd bags and wasn't worth the fact it was close to the football field. I know from experience and still regret that choice). However, if sleeping with Syphillis and drinking Keystone Light instead of a real manly beer is your idea of a good time, then by all means, go to Coronado, fag! :D

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